One Month

This handsome boy is one month old today! This past month has just flown by. We have learned and gained so much and we are both so grateful and blessed to have Karsten James Scott in our lives. 

When I first thought about Karsten being one month old, honestly, my first emotion was sadness. I was surprised that I was feeling that way. I tried to shake it off and focus on all of the happy things that have happened, but a part of me just wouldn't let it go. 

I wanted to turn back time and gain that month back. I wanted the world to stop so that we could catch up. I wanted to have spent the past 30 days at home together as a family. Days with no tubes, no monitors, no tests and no exams. Days filled with picking out adorable outfits, changing messy diapers, breast feeding, and naps together. Nights filled with bath time, lullabies, rocking my baby to sleep, snuggling and bedtime stories with Daddy. I found myself focusing on the time I felt I had lost and would never get back.

Instead, I should have thought of the things that we gained from this month with our boy. Days filled with learning, changing tiny diapers, skin-to-skin snuggles, amazing doctors and nurses who make each day bearable and watching our son grow and change little by little. Nights filled with lullabies and stories by his bedside, kangaroo care, family prayers, bed changes and non-nutritive breast feeding. 

It has been a challenging and wonderful month all in one. I'll be honest, there were days where I didn't think I could do any of this. I questioned my strength and my abilities as a Mother. Honestly, I found myself really questioning my entire role as  a Mother. I questioned where I fit in and if I could really call myself a "Mother". I had a son, but he wasn't with me. I spent every night watching videos and looking at pictures of Karsten so that I would feel close to him. Most nights I cried until I fell asleep as my husband held me and tried his best to comfort me.

I started really watching my sweet husband as he juggled work, school and spending time with our son and realized how much strength we have gained from this past month. We have grown closer as a family and closer to our Heavenly Father as we pray to him day and night. 

These next few months won't be easy. The days and nights won't be perfect. The world won't stop so that we can catch up. Each day will still be challenging and each night will still make my heart ache as I say "goodnight" to my son and leave his bedside. But the strength we have gained, the courage we have seen from Karsten and the time that I do get to spend with my boy is enough for me.

Right now, it is enough. 

Karsten is our son. I am his Mother. And I am forever thankful every day that I am his. Each day there is a new and exciting experience to be had with our boy and I look forward to each and every one. I know now that it's not about missing days and months at home, it's about enjoying the days and months that we have together as a family. It doesn't matter where we are, all that matters is that we are together. We have eternity together and for that I am so thankful! 

Happy one month, my darling!