Leaving

The thought of being discharged from the hospital was hard for me. Our last night at the hospital was a tough one for Karsten. He had an upset stomach and wasn't wanting to keep his food down. It meant we weren't able to hold him that last night so instead we sat, read books and sang him some lullabies.

The hospital bed wasn't very comfortable, but I was willing to sleep in it for the next three months if it meant being close to my Karsten. 

Ryan and I had been taking turns during our skin-to-skin sessions and it was his turn that morning. I think he could see the pain on my face because he turned to me and told me that he wanted me to hold him. I was so thankful because I was hurting and just needed to snuggle my baby. 

I knew he was in the best of hands and that they were giving him the care that he needed. The care I couldn't give him at this time. But as comforting as that was, it didn't make it easier. I was going home, I wasn't pregnant anymore, my baby was here, but I couldn't have him home with me. It broke my heart. I kissed his tiny head and tried not to let any tears hit his face as we said our "see you soon". 

We came home to a beautifully clean house, thanks to our families. It looked amazing! I tried not to, but I walked into Karsten's nursery where I sat for a moment and silently cried. I had such mixed emotions and they all just hit at once when I started looking around at all of his things. 

My sweet boy won't be coming home to his nursery any time soon, but I know he is safe and that he is receiving the best care. We just keep reminding ourselves that even though right now the days are slowly passing, we will look back and realize just how small of a moment this all was. We have him for eternity and for that I am forever thankful.

We love you Karsten, keep on kicking butt!