Surgery was scheduled for tomorrow morning. We had our plans set tonight. Ryan would give him a blessing, we would feed him at 1:00am for the last time before surgery, his IV would be put in and we were going to snuggle him all night long. But, as we have learned time and time again, plans can change at any point. It's all out of our control.
Karsten's doctor called to let us know that the surgery plans weren't going the way he had wanted. The pediatric anesthesiologist was out of town until Sunday and they needed more time to transfer equipment and get a good team together. Karsten is too small to transfer to another hospital for the surgery so the team and the equipment will be transported to the hospital where we are. It's a huge process and we trust our doctor and know that he has what's best for Karsten in mind. So we wait. We wait until Monday morning for our little man's surgery.
After we heard the news, our nurse told us to go home. She wanted us to get a good nights sleep, and for that I am thankful. For the last five nights we have stayed at the hospital. We have woken up every three hours to walk downstairs, scrub in and feed Karsten. We have slept on the uncomfortable hospital bed and pull out couch. We did all of that with hopes that Karsten would be home with us in a few days.
Leaving the hospital without him the first time was hard, but it honestly didn't compare to how I felt tonight. We had arrived Sunday with our car seat in our arms knowing that the next time we left we would finally be one of those families that would be walking out with their baby. We would say goodbye to our doctors and nurses and leave the NICU for the last time. Karsten got another roommate and we were excited to finally be the ones to say "goodbye" and "good luck" to them on the way out. We have already been through two roommates who are now home. That was the plan and we were so excited.
Plans changed and tonight we left with an empty car seat. Our roommates were being discharged and as we left they told us "good luck". I held in the tears as I said good night to my boy. I held in the tears as our nurses apologized over and over again. But as we walked away the tears started flowing and as I looked at Ryan I could see the tears streaming down his face.
The past week has been a roller coaster of emotions. We had such high hopes. We rushed to get everything that we needed for Karsten. We set up the bassinet, finished his nursery and I spent countless hours on "newborn must have" blog posts. We were more than ready.
The good news is Karsten is still with us and one day he will come home. One day we will put him in his car seat and walk out of those hospital doors and on our way out we will say "good luck" to our next roommate.
Tonight I am thankful. I am thankful for great doctors who take their time and make sure things are perfect for my son. I am thankful for nurses who take care and love our boy. I am thankful for a wonderful husband who took the time to go to the temple to prepare to give a blessing to Karsten tonight. I am thankful for all of the prayers and love that everyone around us has shares. There is so much to be thankful for.
We love you Karsten.
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